Summer Sibling Blues?

Listening to sibling bickering and watching aggressive behaviors that result from sibling jealousy can be one of the hardest behaviors for parents to handle. Sibling arguments, tattling, and aggressive behavior can be enough to make even the most calm parents lose their cool. The good news is parents can learn to minimize sibling rivalry and help kids to learn how to develop skills to cope with their relationships and mange their emotions. Having sibling disagreements can promote valuing another person's perspective, compromising, negotiating, and controlling aggressive impulses. "What is wonderful about sibling conflict is that it's an opportunity, " says sibling expert Faber. "It offers a rich training ground for skills they will need to live in the world now and in all their future relationships." As useful as sibling conflict can be in teaching these skills, kids need guidance and some limits to learn how to control the amount of bickering and fighting around others.

Expert Suggest:

• Treat children uniquely according to their individual needs, not equally.
  
• Only get involved if there is danger of physical harm. Even then, try to resolve the problem with your children not for them.
• With normal bickering try to ignore it and allow them to experience conflict resolution.
• If it is getting worse and beginning to "hassle your eardrums" acknowledge the disagreement, simply state each person's point of view, and give them permission to solve it somewhere else.
  
• If you need to get involved when things are getting heated try to listen to both sides, acknowledge feelings without judging or taking sides.
• Avoid unfavorable and favorable comparisons.
• Help your child to identify the feelings by giving them words. "That made you really mad when your sister knocked down your blocks. Let's find a safe place to build your tower."
• Treat your children uniquely according to their needs, not equally.
• If fights between school-age children are frequent, consider weekly family meetings, when you can discuss feelings, possible solutions, and family rules.
  

For More Aggressive Behaviors:

• When you see a dangerous situation starting establish limits. Separate your children until they are calm and have them return with at least one idea about how the conflict could have been avoided or resolved.
  
• Help young children channel hostile feelings in OK ways such as: identifying the feeling they are having, offering comfort objects, showing how to breathe deep to calm down, reading, drawing how the feel, etc.
• Always stop hurtful behavior and acknowledge the negative feelings. Attend to the injured party first and don't give immediate attention to the aggressor.
• Avoid putting the focus on who was to blame. It takes two people to fight and anyone who is involved is partly responsible. Empower them with ideas on how to handle the conflict rather than locking them into bully and victim roles. The Love and Logic problem steps are a great guide for this.

For more information on how to handle sibling issues join Megan for an upcoming Love and Logic class in Issaquah or Seattle, WA. The following resources may also be helpful:

Cline, Foster M.D. and Jim Fay. Parenting with Love and Logic. Colorado: Pinon Press, 1990.

Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too. New York, 1998.