The Importance of Chores

How do we get our kids to pick up their rooms without a battle? Love and Logic suggests using the most powerful way of teaching our children -Joyful Modeling! The best part is you don't even have to bribe or pay your child to get them to contribute to family life! It is one of the best ways for your child to gain self-esteem and confidence by feeling like an important and relevant part of the family unit.

How do we use joyful modeling to up the odds that our children will help out?

*Talk out loud while you do chores!
*Say "why" you are doing it!

For example: "I am going to unload the dishwasher. I don't always love doing it, but it feels good to know that I helped to get the dishes clean so we can eat a nice meal together."

*Sing or listen to music while you work

*Give Choices on when, what, or how chores will be completed.
*Expect your child to contribute!
If they choose not to help with the chores, do it yourself or pay someone else to do it for them. Have the child pay you with other chores, allowance, or toys.
*Have an Energy Drain!
Let your child know that you won't be able to take them to a playdate, turn on a favorite show, or do a puzzle with them until the chores are completed.

Join me for an upcoming Love and Logic class for more information on age appropriate chores and fun tips for encouraging your child to be a contributing member of your family!

Thanks for reading!

What is that squeaky voice?

How should parents respond when kids start to whine and argue? Often parents loose their cool and use negative responses such as "Stop whining!" or "Don't talk to me in that tone of voice!" followed by a long explanation or lecture. Unfortunately, this response often ends up opening the door for more whining and arguing, and intensifies the frustration for the parent and the child. Sometimes, parents are so exhausted they end up giving in or loosing their cool. What can parents do to break the cycle of whining and arguing?

Love and Logic recommends going "braindead". This technique encourages the parent to set use a short empathetic statement. This repetitive one liner allows parents to enforce the limits they have set without losing their cool. The great thing about this skill is that you only have to remember a simple short phrase that you can say over and over. Examples include: "I know!", "It's hard!", and "Ohhh!" Remember to keep your body language and voice quiet and neutral.

Some other ideas that can help when children whine:

Let your child know when their voice sounds whiny.

1. "What is that squeaky sound?"
2. "I can't understand you when you talk with that voice."
3. I will listen when you can a voice that sounds calm like mine."
   

• Acknowledge your child's need for attention or the feelings they are experiencing:

1. "I can tell you want my attention right now, as soon as I am finished I will be able to help with the puzzle."
   
2. "I can tell you are frustrated!"
   

• Avoid triggers like taking a hungry toddler shopping or expecting a tired preschooler to dine out with friends for a late dinner.

• Role play with your child. Practice using different voices when you are both in a good mood. Explain that whining sounds annoying and makes people stop listening. Practice whiny and calm voices together. Hearing you at your whiniest will probably prompt some laughter from your child and help them understand how it sounds.
  

• Explain later. If your child whines in public, the best time to talk about it isn't when his tone is escalating. Use a consistent response and wait to discuss your expectations until you are both calm. You could tell him, "I didn't like the way you asked for a play date this afternoon. If you really want something, you'll have a better chance with me if you ask in a nice voice."

• Be Consistent. Most importantly, keep saying or doing the same thing and don't give in. It is not fun to argue or whine with someone who continues to calmly repeat the same thing over and over again.
  

Thanks for reading!
Megan

10 Steps to Surviving a Toddler Meltdown

2 years and 4 months can be a tricky age. I know from recent experience with my very own youngest child. He is as sweet as sugar one minute and hysterical that he cannot have a chewable vitamin the next. He was the inspiration for this recent topic. He has given me MANY opportunities lately to practice my Love and Logic skills. I thought I would share a few techniques that have been getting me through the tough days!

1. Stay calm and try to remember one empathetic statement in a soft and non-irritated voice "I know it is hard, you really want another vitamin don't you?"
2. Use feeling words to try to identify how they are feeling. "You are feeling frustrated."
3. Use body language that reflects that you can handle the situation. Try to avoid eye rolling, throwing your hands up in frustration, raising your voice.
   
4. Redirect your child to a self-calming item or activity.
   
5. Offer your child some choices that might help them feel better such as, reading a favorite book, snuggling with a stuffed animal, listening to a favorite song, or getting a hug from you.
6. If your child does not respond to self-calming choices, you may need to sing the "Uh-Oh" song and let them make that choice on their own in their recovery time.
   
7. You might say, "I can tell you need some time on your own to feel better. I will come see if you are feeling better soon." Offer the choice of door open or shut, light on or off, and comfort object and calmly leave the scene for a few minutes.
   
8. Enjoy a few moments to yourself to take a few deep breathes and maybe sneak a bit of chocolate-I admit, it really does help my stress level!
9. When your child is calm, enter the room and give them a hug. Tell them you are glad they are feeling better. Try not to lecture on the previous misbehavior.
   
10. Enjoy some quality time together before the next meltdown!

Thanks for reading!

Summer Sibling Blues?

Listening to sibling bickering and watching aggressive behaviors that result from sibling jealousy can be one of the hardest behaviors for parents to handle. Sibling arguments, tattling, and aggressive behavior can be enough to make even the most calm parents lose their cool. The good news is parents can learn to minimize sibling rivalry and help kids to learn how to develop skills to cope with their relationships and mange their emotions. Having sibling disagreements can promote valuing another person's perspective, compromising, negotiating, and controlling aggressive impulses. "What is wonderful about sibling conflict is that it's an opportunity, " says sibling expert Faber. "It offers a rich training ground for skills they will need to live in the world now and in all their future relationships." As useful as sibling conflict can be in teaching these skills, kids need guidance and some limits to learn how to control the amount of bickering and fighting around others.

Expert Suggest:

• Treat children uniquely according to their individual needs, not equally.
  
• Only get involved if there is danger of physical harm. Even then, try to resolve the problem with your children not for them.
• With normal bickering try to ignore it and allow them to experience conflict resolution.
• If it is getting worse and beginning to "hassle your eardrums" acknowledge the disagreement, simply state each person's point of view, and give them permission to solve it somewhere else.
  
• If you need to get involved when things are getting heated try to listen to both sides, acknowledge feelings without judging or taking sides.
• Avoid unfavorable and favorable comparisons.
• Help your child to identify the feelings by giving them words. "That made you really mad when your sister knocked down your blocks. Let's find a safe place to build your tower."
• Treat your children uniquely according to their needs, not equally.
• If fights between school-age children are frequent, consider weekly family meetings, when you can discuss feelings, possible solutions, and family rules.
  

For More Aggressive Behaviors:

• When you see a dangerous situation starting establish limits. Separate your children until they are calm and have them return with at least one idea about how the conflict could have been avoided or resolved.
  
• Help young children channel hostile feelings in OK ways such as: identifying the feeling they are having, offering comfort objects, showing how to breathe deep to calm down, reading, drawing how the feel, etc.
• Always stop hurtful behavior and acknowledge the negative feelings. Attend to the injured party first and don't give immediate attention to the aggressor.
• Avoid putting the focus on who was to blame. It takes two people to fight and anyone who is involved is partly responsible. Empower them with ideas on how to handle the conflict rather than locking them into bully and victim roles. The Love and Logic problem steps are a great guide for this.

For more information on how to handle sibling issues join Megan for an upcoming Love and Logic class in Issaquah or Seattle, WA. The following resources may also be helpful:

Cline, Foster M.D. and Jim Fay. Parenting with Love and Logic. Colorado: Pinon Press, 1990.

Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too. New York, 1998.

Upcoming Early Love and Logic Classes in Issaquah

Fall is just around the corner! After the long summer days and a lot of extra time with young children, many parents are ready for the daily routine of school to start. If you find yourself getting frustrated by your child's attitude, raising your voice more often, giving your kids repeated warnings, and generally feeling exhausted, it may be the perfect time to go back to school with your kids. Love and Logic parenting classes are a fantastic way to learn a few simple techniques that are guaranteed to get your school year off to a great start!


Love and Logic is a philosophy of raising children created by Foster W. Cline M.D and Jim Fay in 1977. This parenting approach allows adults to feel empowered and confident while raising respectful and responsible kids . The simple techniques offer parents an alternative way to communicate with their children using respect and empathy instead of threats, anger, and intimidation. Parents feel great when they can stay calm while providing an appropriate consequence when their child misbehaves. Come and find out how to raise responsible and self-confident kids who are prepared for school and life. I will share Love and Logic techniques and many other parenting resources to help with the most frustrating parenting issues such as; whining, arguing, food battles, sibling rivalry, and much more!

I have officially opened registration for two Early Childhood Made Fun! classes at Virginia Mason in Issaquah for September 2009. Monday evening classes will start on September 14th and Tuesday evenings will start on September 15th. Feel free to email me if you are interested in registering for one of the upcoming classes and view my new blog for updated class dates and parenting ideas that you can use and share with friends.

Thanks for reading!
Megan